Touring as a Tribute to My Father

About two weeks ago my dad died.  It has been a hard couple of weeks.  Now every time I get on my bike I start to cry.  Mind you, my dad and my riding are not connected in some special way. However, I think the reason I cry is because riding is a contemplative practice for me.  Riding is a time when I am in my body and quiet.  It is both active and reflective.  It is a time when I can ruminate.  Recently, my ruminations have been about my dad and my upcoming tour across the country and the connections between the two. 

My partner and I have been planning to ride our bicycles from Bedford, MA to El Segundo CA – We will travel east to west, across Adventure Cycling’s Northern Tier bicycle route, then to the Lewis and Clark trail, and then down the pacific coast.  We will ride more in one summer than I do most years.  It is a rather daunting trip and it is odd that in the midst of grieving, I am planning to undertake something so challenging for me.  Yet, I think this is a good thing.  It reminds me of things my father said to me, especially late in his life, about living for the day and following your dreams while you can.  I think he felt he didn’t do enough of that.  So, in a funny way taking this trip is a tribute to my father. 

What Does Gazunteight Mean?

About a month ago, I did my fifth Harbor to the Bay AIDS Charity Ride. (It is a 125 mile one day ride from Boston to Provincetown for AIDS charities.)  I got a rough start, as the two days before I had been in the emergency room and the hospital because my daughter had dislocated her thumb and needed hand surgery.  Needless to say, I was not well rested, or even adequately rested for the ride.  (I got about four hours of sleep each night!)  I have never been that exhausted at the beginning of a long ride.

The good news was that my good friend Andi was riding with me and she was rested and well trained.  (Last year, she was under-trained so I helped her along; this year it was her turn to pull my sorry ass!)  It was good to see familiar and friendly faces at the start, oh so early the morning.  And by 6:30 we were off and riding.  Another BIG plus was that it was a dry, albeit cool, day.  (I had prayed for no rain and asked anyone I knew, religious, spiritual, atheist, or otherwise, to help me pray for no rain.  It couldn’t have hurt.)

Because I was so tired, the riding was challenging, but not impossible.  About ten miles before the Sagamore Bridge, I got a burst of energy and climbed some of the hills with my usual zest for such things.  Around the same time, a truck slowed down and pulled up right along side of me.  The passenger, a middle-aged white man, stuck his head out the window and asked me, “What does ‘gazunteight’ mean?”  I looked at him and repeated the question with a puzzled face.  I know it means “God bless you” but somehow I knew that he wanted me to say this and then he was going to be a smart ass of some sort.  He was not friendly and the vibe I got was he wanted to ridicule me and perhaps us or the ride somehow.  So, I didn’t give him the satisfaction and after asking the question three times or so, he gave up and zoomed off.

I shook my head and said to Andi, “That was weird.”  Actually, it was more than weird.  It was disturbing.  I find these types of hostile interactions disturbing.  Whether he was harassing me because I was riding an AIDS ride, or because I was on a bicycle, or because I am Asian-American, or just because he is a yahoo, it hardly matters.  What is WRONG with people anyway?  

I also feel that these kind of interactions are getting more frequent.  I guess with the lousy economy and all some people venting their anger and frustration through bigotry.  It makes me sad that this is so.  What would it take for people to have more compassion for each other?  What would it take for the threads that connect us all to be at the forefront and the differences in the background?  How does one respond with faced with hostility and not breed further hostility (and stay safe)?  I wish I had good answers to these questions but I don’t.  In my life, I try to maintain a compassionate perspective because so many people are in a lot of pain and don’t know what to do with it.  (At the same time, this is no excuse for abusive hostile behavior.)  I wish I could say to that man, “I hope you are blessed and I am too.”

Teaching Bicycle Riding

One of the things I do is teach beginners to ride bicycles. The students are mostly adults who, for a variety of reasons, never learned to ride a bicycle. I work with a Susan who has taught over 2000 people over the course of twenty years. It is amazing and humbling work in many ways.

It has made me think about riding differently in that I have had to articulate what, at this point in my life, comes naturally. It is a complex maneuver to start riding a bicycle from a stopped position. Not only do you have to push a pedal down but you have to kick off with the other foot and hold the handle bars steady. This is not an easy task for a new learner, especially if it is an uphill start.

Probably my most important task in teaching a new bicycle rider is to encourage and coach. Usually, there are reasons why an adult didn’t learn and often this is accompanied by fear. So, I do a lot of cheering and singing and yelling, “way to go!” I also teach students how to balance on a bicycle, use their pedals, change gears, stand up, look around, remove one hand from the bars, and hold their line.

I do more advanced teaching of pace-line skills with a women’s ride I help lead, but it is the beginners who are the most rewarding. Often they feel like learning to ride changes their life. They feel accomplished and many times they have overcome fear and embarrassment to do so. I am blessed to be able to share this process with them.

The Season is Upon Us (or Making Goals)

Beltane (May Day) just occurred reminding us that spring is here in full force. The weather in New England is slowly warming up and there are buds on the trees. It is a time of joy and playfulness. It is a time of beginnings.

For me, it is a time to really focus on my intentions for cycling this season. What do I want to accomplish? What seeds do I want to plant and what do I need to do to grow them?

Now deciding what I want to do and figuring out how to manifest my intentions are not easy tasks for me. It feels like there are so many options and possibilities, which is a good thing in that I am not limited, but it also creates a problem of choice. What races and rides do I want to do? How do I want to shape my training at this point? What are my racing and riding goals?

I know I need some short term goals and some long term ones. I know I need to think progressively. I know also I need to think holistically about the balance in my life and the things I need to do to be the best athlete I can – things like eat better and lose that ten pounds that is hanging around my middle.

I have a few short term goals. I’d like to try to do the Wells Avenue training race, especially if they have a women’s field. I am going to ride with the Cat. 4 team on Thursdays and with the Women’s Ride on Tuesdays. I am going to develop a weekly training plan so I at least have thought about the goals for the week. I am going to get back to doing my physical therapy exercises so my knee doesn’t hurt.

I have a few long term goals too but at this point they are a little unfocussed. I want to do two or three road races this season, although I am still not sure which ones. I think I am going to do a charity ride at the end of the season, which is over 100 miles. I may want to do one other century. There is a hilly one in July that might be a good choice. Obviously, I need to get clearer on these goals and then figure out the steps I need to get there.

I have been living in the moment in terms of my cycling, just figuring out what the next best thing to do is and doing it. Although in some ways this isn’t a bad approach, at this point I need more long-term clarity. I know it will be worth the investment to develop a specific plan, even if it evolves over time. So, I will make this my priority and my first short term goal and see what unfolds.

Bicycles as a Way of Life

Right now just about everything I do revolves around my bicycle. This is not a bad thing, although it is different for me. Over the past couple of years the bike has gained more and more prominence in my life, but now it has consumed it. It is not that I am unhappy about this turn of events – it is just interesting to note.

I am currently, training to race, riding for fun, teaching beginner adults how to ride and helping to lead a weekly women’s ride. I recently took a racing clinic that taught me the basic techniques and strategies of racing. I joined a Cat. 4 women’s racing team. It seems that I am either riding, preparing to ride, talking about riding or rides, teaching folks how to ride, or doing all the laundry generated by riding.

I am feeling like the thing I need to do now is really consider what my goals are for the season in relation to racing, riding, and my relationship with bicycles. I would like to do a few road races and am at the point where I have to decide which ones and how to prepare for them. I am considering doing a charity ride in September. I think I want to do at least one century ride in addition to the charity ride which is 125 miles in a day. I need to make a clearer training plan for the season. I also want to do some work on my bicycle. I need to change the cassette and chain. I’d like to do that myself with the help of my partner. I am also taking some classes to become certified in bicycle safety so I could teach that as well.

To everything there is a season. For me, now is bicycle season. I am learning and growing in many ways right now. I am challenging myself physically and emotionally with the racing. I am giving back to the community by teaching and leading rides. I am learning new things. I know though, if I lose the joy in cycling then it is time to reassess, for that is ultimately why I do all this. I love it. I love cycling. I love teaching. I love learning. Who would have thought that I would fall in love with a two wheeled machine?

The picture is of me in my new team kit. Although I like the design, all the red, white, and blue makes me feel like Little Miss Asian America! Yay for diversity!

Pushing Through Depression

I have struggled with depression for much of my life. Now is no exception. Anyone who has experienced clinical depression knows that it is easy to get overwhelmed and paralyzed when one feels down. It is very hard to get motivated and mobilized to DO anything -- even things that you normally like to do.

My depression is a huge obstacle to my training. There are some days that I can't manage to complete my training regime or can't even get started. And some days, I need to listen to my body and my psyche and take a break and other times I am learning that I need to push through.

I think of new green shoots in spring pushing up through the soil. It looks like growing must be hard work. They are so new and fragile and the soil is so dense. Similarly, when I am depressed I am a fragile being who has to push through the darkness to move.

It was like that yesterday. I was really down and not sure what I could manage to do. I had a yoga lesson scheduled and it was a nice day outside, the first in eons. However, what I felt like doing was crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and calling it a day. I decided that it would be better to try to get to yoga even if it meant I cried the whole time. (My teacher is sensitive and supportive and was okay with my mood.) I went to yoga, got out of the house, learned some new poses, and got moving. It took monumental effort to get there. After yoga, I managed to get on the bicycle too. I told myself that I only had to go out for a half hour and if I felt too bad I could turn around. I also knew no one would be looking at me while riding and if I cried no one would notice or care. I ended up riding an hour or so.

Knowing when to push through and when to focus on comfort is critical. I have pushed when it would have been better to just rest. I usually end up feeling worse at those times. But many times, pushing through the darkness allows a little light to come in. I think when I can push myself without judgment and without investment in the outcome, then I do better. If I start and can't finish, well at least I started. Attitude toward how I am pushing through is key. If I can stay gentle and compassionate with myself, then I can challenge myself without the backlash of condemnation should I not be able to do that which I set out to do.

I know this will be an ongoing struggle and staying open, present, and compassionate with myself (and others) is critical to managing those dark times.

Favorite Pic on the Bike

This is my favorite picture of me on the bike thus far. It is a couple years old so right now I am both a little fatter and a bit more muscular than that picture, but it captures my love of it all.

I am riding my first true bicycle love. My red Luna steel frame bicycle. (More on that later.)

Finding the Balance

Well, today I am sick. I have a mild cold and an achy body. I am thankful that it isn't worse, but it has put a crimp in my training schedule. Now being a Virgo this causes a certain amount of consternation. However, it is good for me to, because it reminds me that I have to find the balance.

I realize that I have a lot to learn about in terms of training. I also have to be sure to listen to my body and figure out what is the best training activities and schedule for ME. Not just random jo, but for me in specific. This is challenging on a number of accounts.

First, I am having to learn all the things that go into training and the possible schedules etc... from which I can build my own. This is harder than it looks as there are as many opinions as there are cyclists.

Second, I have never listened to my body this intently before. I have had a tendency to push myself sometimes to my detriment. Now I need to pay attention to whether I am sick or exhausted, because it will influence my ability to train later, as well as my health in the moment.

Third, I have never been good at pacing myself. I tend to dive into things and then swim my way out with the threat of drowning. I have learned over the past few years though, that I do much better if I can take things a step at a time. I am much better at this, assuming that I know which steps I am taking. In this case, there are so many fronts on which to attend, that I can get lost in the process and a bit overwhelmed. I mean I need to pay attention to what I do to train, how I eat, my knee injury, my asthma, my focus and psychology, my mood, my general health, etc. . .

So, I do have my work cut out for me. I know the key for me in this, and in life in general, is finding the BALANCE. If I don't balance my training with my life I will overdo it. If I don't balance strength training with aerobic exercise I won't be at peak performance either. And if I don't balance all of it with my spiritual practice, I won't be grounded in any of it.

So, having a cold today, reminds me that I have to balance things in my training and my life. If I can work on this, I believe that I will be able to face the challenges with more equanimity.

Falling in Love on and with the Bicycle

When I met my partner, who has been an athlete all his life and a cyclist for over 20 years, I knew that a lot more exercise was going to come into my sedentary life. He got me on a bicycle and the first time we rode the full length of the Minuteman bicycle trail I had to stop at least ten times to rest. He was patient and encouraging and during those first few months together we even rode to Concord, a total of about 30 miles which felt like 100 at the time.

One of my favorite things that he used to do (and sometimes still does) was to come up behind me on the bicycle and give me a push. That he has the balance to ride and push me still amazes me, as I would surly fall over if I tried it. There is something quite intimate about his hand on the small of my back giving me a push when I was tired. It always gave me more energy to accelerate forward.

The thing that surprised us both was that I not only fell in love with my partner, but I fell in love with cycling. As I did more of it, I loved everything about it. I loved that you were outdoors. I loved that you could go distances. I loved that you could go fast. I loved that you could work cooperatively in groups to go even faster. I loved that my body felt strong. I loved that bicycles are beautiful. I even loved the clothes. I became a cycling nut.

Now cycling has infused all aspects of my life. I make bicycle chain jewelry and wear a cycling cap much of the time. I teach beginners how to ride at The Bicycle Riding School. I am also creating an art bike from an old mixie frame. I stripped it down and sanded much of the paint off last fall. (Unfortunately I forgot to do the fork.) This spring I will finish the paint stripping and repaint it. Then the real fun starts with hand painting it along a theme. I am thinking about using the theme "poetry in motion" but we will see what inspires me when spring comes. I will then rebuild it! (with help from my mechanically inclined partner mind you.)

So although my partner and I share our love of cycling, I have definitely made it my own. I don't just cycle because he does. I cycle because it is in my blood.

Being in My Body

Having never been an athlete, this is all very new to me. I spent the first 45 years of my life outside my body and inside my head. To some degree this was because I had a rather traumatic childhood and learned that being present in my body was not always safe. So, I retreated inside. Over my life, until now, I had exercised my intellectual muscles and my emotional muscles but not my physical ones.

So when I discovered that I loved cycling, I was just as surprised as anyone, perhaps more so. I found that I liked the way it felt to be strong and to ride fast. It was fun to challenge myself to go faster and farther. However, it required an awareness of my physical body -- something I had avoided for much of my life.

Being in body was new and at times even uncomfortable. Even now, I find that some times I will cry after a hard work out. It is like all the painful emotions that have been stored in my body comes seeping out.

At the same time, I like being strong and having definition of muscles that I never even knew I had. I feel more whole being able to be in my body and feel good about it.

Racing Chick at 46

I am 46 years old and have never been an athlete before. Now I am. I started cycling two years ago and it was the first time that I was truly interested in a sport. My first year I rode 6000 miles and the second 4500, including a 125 mile one day ride for AIDS.

The first year I just cycled like crazy and was happy just to be on the bike and learning how to draft, pace line, use my gears, and take care of my bike. The second year, I rode a little less and wondered what I could do to challenge myself and improve my performance. This year, I have decided to race. Now, writing it so baldly is a little scary to me. I did get a racing license and I have been trying to follow a training schedule and I have been looking at races that I might want to try, but I still have a hard time saying that I am going to race.

When I signed up for the license, I put my information into the electronic form and before I closed the deal a summary came up on my computer screen. It said that I was 47 years old as of December 2008. This is true. My reaction was to think, "what the hell do you think YOU are doing at 47 years old??!!" I still signed up for the license.

So here I am closing in on menopause and thinking about and training for bicycle racing. Who knew?