Inch by Inch: Making Changes

One thing that starting training has done is pushed me to address health issues in a different way. I realized that I had to be more aggressive with my approach. No longer could I just ignore my asthma or knee pain. No longer could I not deal with the fact that I eat poorly. I had to figure out how to approach my health in a more mindful way.

So, I started by making some appointments. I made an appointment with my doctor for the asthma. I made an appointment with my physical therapist to address my knee pain. I also made an appointment with a yoga teacher to improve my balance (both physical and emotional) and to teach me some stretches.

I have been slowly figuring out how to feed myself. I have started by committing to eating breakfast which is actually quite hard for me. I hate to eat in the morning and my medication kills my apatite at that time of day. As with any change in ones habits, there are many steps. I have to figure out what I would be willing to eat; I have to purchase it; I have to prepare it (if necessary), and I have to eat it.

I have learned that to make fundamental changes, I have to do them slowly and deliberately. I have to remember that change is a process and that it probably, won’t all happen at once. I have to be patient and compassionate with myself, because making real change is hard.

There are many changes I need to make in my eating habits, as well as my health maintenance – I need to take my asthma medication consistently, I need to do my knee exercises everyday, I need to do more yoga, I need to eat more when I ride and less at night – but I know that I can’t change everything all at once. I work on making small changes and improvements and realize that progress is happening.

I have also learned that being gentle with myself is more helpful than being a drill sergeant. My inner child doesn’t respond well to condemnation and judgment. So, I am working on being encouraging if I goof up. As my mother used to say, “Tomorrow is another day.”

Pushing Through Depression

I have struggled with depression for much of my life. Now is no exception. Anyone who has experienced clinical depression knows that it is easy to get overwhelmed and paralyzed when one feels down. It is very hard to get motivated and mobilized to DO anything -- even things that you normally like to do.

My depression is a huge obstacle to my training. There are some days that I can't manage to complete my training regime or can't even get started. And some days, I need to listen to my body and my psyche and take a break and other times I am learning that I need to push through.

I think of new green shoots in spring pushing up through the soil. It looks like growing must be hard work. They are so new and fragile and the soil is so dense. Similarly, when I am depressed I am a fragile being who has to push through the darkness to move.

It was like that yesterday. I was really down and not sure what I could manage to do. I had a yoga lesson scheduled and it was a nice day outside, the first in eons. However, what I felt like doing was crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and calling it a day. I decided that it would be better to try to get to yoga even if it meant I cried the whole time. (My teacher is sensitive and supportive and was okay with my mood.) I went to yoga, got out of the house, learned some new poses, and got moving. It took monumental effort to get there. After yoga, I managed to get on the bicycle too. I told myself that I only had to go out for a half hour and if I felt too bad I could turn around. I also knew no one would be looking at me while riding and if I cried no one would notice or care. I ended up riding an hour or so.

Knowing when to push through and when to focus on comfort is critical. I have pushed when it would have been better to just rest. I usually end up feeling worse at those times. But many times, pushing through the darkness allows a little light to come in. I think when I can push myself without judgment and without investment in the outcome, then I do better. If I start and can't finish, well at least I started. Attitude toward how I am pushing through is key. If I can stay gentle and compassionate with myself, then I can challenge myself without the backlash of condemnation should I not be able to do that which I set out to do.

I know this will be an ongoing struggle and staying open, present, and compassionate with myself (and others) is critical to managing those dark times.

Finding the Balance

Well, today I am sick. I have a mild cold and an achy body. I am thankful that it isn't worse, but it has put a crimp in my training schedule. Now being a Virgo this causes a certain amount of consternation. However, it is good for me to, because it reminds me that I have to find the balance.

I realize that I have a lot to learn about in terms of training. I also have to be sure to listen to my body and figure out what is the best training activities and schedule for ME. Not just random jo, but for me in specific. This is challenging on a number of accounts.

First, I am having to learn all the things that go into training and the possible schedules etc... from which I can build my own. This is harder than it looks as there are as many opinions as there are cyclists.

Second, I have never listened to my body this intently before. I have had a tendency to push myself sometimes to my detriment. Now I need to pay attention to whether I am sick or exhausted, because it will influence my ability to train later, as well as my health in the moment.

Third, I have never been good at pacing myself. I tend to dive into things and then swim my way out with the threat of drowning. I have learned over the past few years though, that I do much better if I can take things a step at a time. I am much better at this, assuming that I know which steps I am taking. In this case, there are so many fronts on which to attend, that I can get lost in the process and a bit overwhelmed. I mean I need to pay attention to what I do to train, how I eat, my knee injury, my asthma, my focus and psychology, my mood, my general health, etc. . .

So, I do have my work cut out for me. I know the key for me in this, and in life in general, is finding the BALANCE. If I don't balance my training with my life I will overdo it. If I don't balance strength training with aerobic exercise I won't be at peak performance either. And if I don't balance all of it with my spiritual practice, I won't be grounded in any of it.

So, having a cold today, reminds me that I have to balance things in my training and my life. If I can work on this, I believe that I will be able to face the challenges with more equanimity.